“I wish there was some kind of switch on my brain that I could turn it off in the same way that I could turn off the television. Just click it off and immediately empty my mind of all these images and worrying thoughts. And simply leave a blank screen.”
~ Marian Keyes (from “Watermelon”)
I feel that I should preface this post by admitting that I am currently operating on 9 hours of sleep over the past 48 hours…and way too much coffee. So forgive me if I start to ramble…
The bottom line is that I don’t function well without at least 7 hours of sleep a night. To that end I am very lucky in that I am usually already snoring before my head has hit the pillow. (Drives hubby mad!) So after 2 nights in a row of around 4 hours sleep I feel foggy and slow. Words that should come to me readily are MIA. And my fuse is way WAY shorter.
The worst part of it is that I don’t even have a good excuse for my insomnia. I don’t have babies that need to be fed in the middle of the night and then rocked to back to sleep. Pure and simple my problem is all in my head.
It’s too full.
I need a delete button…or an outright power switch.
September is always a pretty stressful time - with the back to school routine starting back up, etc. etc. - but this year I think I am feeling even more stressed with financial and work pressures added into the mix.
So I find myself staring blankly at the dark ceiling - my mind whirring in circles about credit card interest rates and marketing campaign ideas and school supplies. My body is completely exhausted…practically begging for sleep….but my mind will simply not obey.
I know I am not alone in this - all I have to do is tell people `I couldn’t get my brain to shut off last night.` And I get the knowing smile of commiseration from most. Especially other women…and even more especially other mothers.
We take on too much. We try to be everything to everyone and it is simply too much for our brains to compute. They need extra processing time…like say between midnight and 3am. ;)
Today - after a long and trying work day filled with me trying to keep up with my colleagues when I was always at least 5 steps behind - I found myself wishing (quite literally) that I could find the pause button on my grown up life.
For just a few moments I wanted a clear head - one that wasn’t full to the brim worrying about mortgage payments and visa bills. I wanted a reprieve…permission to climb on the monkey bars in the daycare playground instead of attend a board meeting inside the daycare.
Of course…we all know that it doesn’t work that way. I could wish on a hundred shooting stars for a reprieve and I would still have to fold laundry and make lunches.
So I sucked it up, turned my back on the monkey bars and faced reality. And it really wasn’t so bad.
Now…as bedtime approaches…I can only hope that my brain is finally as exhausted as my body is…and that tonight sleep will finally come.
And bring with it dreams of monkey bars, pause buttons and schools that serve hot lunches.