No matter what I have faced in the past - when I try to focus on a positive outcome - for the most part I have been satisfied with the outcome. Until now…until this past week pretty much came out of nowhere and totally bitch slapped me.
I was unprepared for it. Even foolishly thinking that we had turned a corner and might finally be on a path towards achieving some of our goals and actually getting ahead.
But life had other plans...
There is no doubt about it...this past week I have been mighty depressed. I have felt literally weighed down by life. And I have definitely been bringing everyone else around me down too. This sadness thing is contagious it seems.
My kids for sure have been feeling the brunt of my negativity. My fuse is so incredibly short these days…the smallest thing sets me off.
I told hubby today that I think that this past week has been the worst of my life. Maybe even worse than when our oldest daughter was born and spent several weeks fighting for her life in the NICU.
I felt guilty even saying that out loud.
Because how could this week – with its work challenges and sinus colds and toddler temper tantrums and promise of financial ruin – even compare with watching your child struggle for each breath?
“We had hope and faith back then,” hubby said oh so matter of fact-ly. “We believed she would be okay. But I don’t believe anything about this situation will be okay.”
Damn…sometimes that man can just nail it on the head.
I’m outta faith…I’m outta hope. And try as I might…I can’t stop feeling sorry for myself. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days.
But the realist in me knows that I can’t continue like this. I need to come to terms with what I am facing and allow myself to see the good again.
Because in the midst of all my sorrow…there is so much good. There is love in my life. There is laughter in my home. And for now…this is still our home.
What I need to remember is that my home is not defined by the walls around me or the roof above me. It is defined by the life we live inside it…by each member of my little family.
So…I am pulling myself up by the bootstraps…and am going to make every attempt to put an end to my tragic little pity party.
I can’t change what has happened…but I can control how I deal with it and how much I let it consume me.
And I will look to one of my favourite quotes to help me achieve this. This mantra has gotten me through many rough times before…
So bring it on “week after the week after everything fell apart”…you can’t nearly be as bad as the last one.