Sunday, November 11, 2012

The 3 R’s – Roadtrip, Responsibility & Remembrance

I can’t believe my last post was almost 2 weeks ago.  That is as sure a sign as any that my life is out of control…when I haven’t even been able to find the time to write.  Because that means I haven’t had an outlet for my emotions…and I've just been bottling it all up.  And that is all kinds of not good…for me and those around me.

A quick disclaimer: I am trying so hard to live up to my promise of sucking it up and facing life with a positive frame of mind.  But damned if life isn't making that nearly impossible.  So – as a result – this post will contain quite a few “woe is me” moments.  However, I hope you will agree they are totally justified.

Let’s just say – the last 2 weeks have been some of the most trying of my entire life.

And – as usual – I have been struggling to find perspective.  To find reassurance that it really isn't all that bad.  That this too shall pass.  And when I look at it that way I am able to find the good in life and can – just for a small moment – forget my reality.

A roadtrip up to Whistler with my ‘sisters’ was just one of those times.  From the moment we left the city I felt a weight leave my shoulders. I knew that the next 24 hours were mine to do with what I wanted. And what I wanted to do was sing out loud, dance like a maniac and drink like a fish.  Oh – and complexly changing my outward appearance with a radical hair dye job.

(Nothing too Freudian about that huh…)

The drive up the scenic Sea to Sky was one of my favourites – we laughed about ridiculous and insignificant things (dirty car floors, jug bands, and puffer fish to name a few) and we sang out loud to some road trip faves (like Be With You by Mr. Big).

Kicking off the trip...first of many self portraits from the weekend.
Once up in Whistler – we broke out the vodka, hit the hot tub, ate dinner with the gray-haired crowd at 5:30, dyed my hair... 

First time I have ever chosen a colour with "brown" in the name.

Totally in love with the results. Phew...
...drank more vodka, painted our nails, and hit the club.

I LOVE this photo - how cool are our Halloween goblets from WalMart?

And we danced (in a near empty night club) to fantastic music until we all decided it was time to call it a night. As we left the club at just after 1am – we were unfortunate enough to walk right into the middle of a fist fight.  J and I were smart and steered clear of the melee…but C just couldn't help herself and dove right into help.

It was a really crappy way to end what had been a really great night.  C wound up with blood spattered pants as thanks for her intervention and we all felt equally disappointed in the kids that were fighting, the lack of action from the ‘security’ detail outside the club to break it up and the slow, meandering response from the Whistler PD.

I just figured this my bad luck had finally found where I was staying…felt like par for the course at this point.

And when I returned home the next day – still trying to ride a bit of the high of my day of freedom (and my new auburn coloured do) – I was hit by yet more reality.  Hubby had separated his shoulder in his soccer game.

So what should have been a family night of swimming and dinner turned into him heading to the ER for 5 hours and me taking the girls solo to swim class.  And at that point I was just getting real angry.  I had no one to direct my anger at of course because there was no one person I could blame.  And I didn't want to take it all out on the easiest targets – my poor kids. 

And so – as soon as we got in the car – I told them that Mummy needed them to be quiet for 5 minutes or I was really going to lose it and I didn't want to get mad at them when this wasn't their fault.  Turned out they really do know when it’s in their best interest to do what I ask – that was the quietest I have ever heard them.

And it helped – I worked through things in my head…re-focused my self…and by the time we arrived at the pool I was composed again. 

This past week was all about responsibility.  With an injured husband and only one car – because of course our 2nd vehicle crapped out last week too – it was up to me to handle all drop-offs and pick-ups for the girls.  And I had a daycare AGM (I'm president of the board) to prepare for.  As well as a huge pile of work to complete in preparation for a very necessary week off of work.

Honestly…the amount of work I have to do to be able to go on vacation almost makes it not worth it.

(By the way…this is the woe is me part if you hadn't figured that out.)

So by the time Thursday rolled around I was completely burnt out.  I was frazzled…snapping at family and co-workers alike…pretty much almost getting myself fired.  I worked until after 11pm that night – just to ensure that I could take the next 10 days off without anyone having to bug me about anything.  I wanted to just unplug.

Earlier in the day on Thursday a colleague asked me what I was planning to do with my week off, was I going anywhere fun…any real exciting plans.   And that innocent question almost brought me to tears – because my answer was crap.  Not going anywhere…need to deal with our housing crisis…maybe even meet with a bankrupty lawyer about our options…oh and we’ll probably go to a movie or something.

Awesome stuff.

Hubby (still off work with his injured shoulder) and I went our oldest daughter’s school to watch her sing in their Remembrance Day assembly on Friday.  She was very serious about the entire event – “you can’t clap Mummy.” She said repeatedly – and I was really struck by the sincerity all the kids showed during every part of the assembly. 

Does the AV set up take you back or what?

Side note – I was also pretty damn impressed with myself as I realized I still had all the words to In Flanders Fields committed to memory.  That was the high point of my day…says something right there…

We talked quite a bit about Remembrance Day over the weekend leading up to the 2 minutes of silence this morning as we watched the veterans standing proudly at the downtown Cenotaph.   We talked about how my Poppa had fought in the war – he came home – and how their Nanny’s first husband fought as well – he wasn't so lucky.  We talked about freedom and death and war.  We talked about why it’s important to never forget the past and that is why we have Remembrance Day every year.

I feel like I have been through an emotional war these past few weeks. Trying to show strength when I really have none left.  Waiting for the next ‘bomb’ to drop – because I know its coming but I don’t know where it will hit.  Looking for my best strategic next move that will help us get through with minimal damage.

That is the plan of attack this week – we are on an intel gathering mission.  Talk to as many professionals as we can that might be able to help.  And figure out what the hell we are going to do.

And no matter what journey life is about to take us on…we will hit it straight on and as a family.  As long as I have them with me… I'm good.

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