Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Coming Up For Air

Where to begin?  I can't believe my last blog post was at the end of July. Never have I gone this long without writing. Writing is my escape…my passion…my therapy. But for the past 7 weeks I have been unable to find the words to adequately express what I was feeling.

As well - given that this is a public blog - I had to decide how much I really was willing to share with people I have never met...

I have re-written this post about 78 times. Wavering between sharing everything and saying nothing I think I have ultimately landed somewhere in the middle. But I will start with a very dramatic (and sadly way too true) statement:

The past 2 months have been the worst of my life.

In true movie fashion a combination of dramatic and life altering events hit me all at the same time and left me - for the first time ever - unable to cope with my reality. I fell into a deep depression. I had to take a leave from work. I stopped eating. I couldn’t sleep. If I didn’t have my kids to take care of I never would have gotten out of bed.

It has been an incredible roller coaster of emotions for me. I have been sad, hurt, surprised and angry. I have been in denial and in shock. I longed for a magic rewind button that would undo it all and take me back to a time where I was happy.

But there is no rewind button and there is no denying the fact that my reality has now inexorably changed. I am uncertain about my future. I have no control over my situation. This is unfamiliar territory for me and I don’t like it.

That said - as I have fought to bring myself out of this fog of sadness and anger - I have learned some very valuable lessons.

I am surrounded by amazing people - wonderfully supportive and loving people who have rallied around me as I have struggled to get a grip. They never said no when I needed to come over and talk - no matter how late it was. They passed me tissues as I cried. Made me cups of tea to calm me down while they reassured me everything would be all right. With all of them in my corner there is nothing I can't do.

I also know I am a survivor. That if I could manage to put on a brave face for my girls and keep their lives normal...even when I was shattered and broken on the inside...then I can get through anything. As long as I have them.

My girls. What can I say?  They are my everything. I have found so much strength in them. As if knowing how much I needed it they have showered me with hugs and kisses and unconditional love. They have grounded me and been a constant reminder about how lucky I really am and all that is good in the world.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I am working through it. One step at a time. One moment at a time. It's very much a two steps forward, one step back process...and only time will tell how this story unfolds.

Surprisingly I have discovered that life - despite me feeling like it was over - did actually manage to carry on during the last 7 weeks.  And even delivered some good times - good times that should not be overlooked or ignored.

So my next posts will be about the good that August delivered - a trip to Vegas, a move to a new house, a return to school...

And I will get back to living my life. To focusing on the things I can control: my work, my health, my friends, my kids.

Wish me luck...

1 comment:

  1. So glad your blog is back...I've really missed it! Wishing you all good things.