Sunday, April 27, 2014

The Elephant in the Room

One of the problems with having a blog that everyone knows about is that it’s pretty tough to write honestly about personal issues for fear of over-sharing and maybe even hurting people I love.

The irony is that I started this blog because I find that writing is therapeutic and helps me through tough times. So to not write when things are tough goes against my very being...

And the further irony is that when major changes affect my life and I don’t write about them here I find it difficult to write about the little things because I can’t refer to the big thing. Or something like that...

Hence the reason I haven’t written in a while.  I wouldn’t say it was Writer’s Block. It was more of a personal filter that was keeping my from writing. But no more.

Today…I lay things bare and I move forward being honest with my situation. So that I can get back to writing...because my god have I missed it.

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A lot can change in a blink of an eye. And things you think should break you actually help you find clarity and purpose you never you knew you were lacking.

Nine months ago I was living a completely different life. 

Happily married. Owned my own home. Secure in my job. 

Today I have none of those things. I am separated from my husband. I lost the apartment. And I was recently laid off.

Wow. Writing that makes me realize that I really should be in a dark place. And I have been...for periods of time.

Luckily right now is not one of those times. Right now I am feeling empowered. Right now I am feeling the most ME that I have in years.

I have written before about putting myself last and setting aside things I wanted for the good of my family.  And while I can’t confess that I have completely learned to put myself first…I am getting much better at it.

These last few months of challenges and change have helped me figure out who I am and what I want. And knowing those all important things have allowed me to find the good in all the bad. 

So while having to go bankrupt because of a leaky condo was obviously never in my plans…I am happy to be rid of the noose that was that money pit. And if that had never happened I wouldn’t be living in my new lovely little house that has felt like home since the first day.

I feel like Pollyanna playing the glad game...what's next?

Clearly losing my job with it’s security and benefits was difficult...but that has allowed me to do something I have been wanting to do for years.  I have started my own consulting business and now work from home. It's still early days yet but so far so good. Plus my boss is super cool...

In all seriousness though...the biggest struggle over the past year has been coming to terms with the fact that my marriage wasn’t as perfect and happy as I thought it was. That has been a real blow because I was truly happy at the time. For all its faults and issues...I never saw this on the horizon. I thought we were a done deal...destined to grow old together.

With my eyes wide open now I see that wasn’t the case. 

And as we work through things I have no idea what the future holds for me and my high school love. I honestly don’t know if we can find our way back to each other.

I sincerely hope so for the sake of the little family that we have created together. Because I am a child of divorce and that was something that I never wanted for my own children. I didn’t want them to grow up with two different homes. Being traded off in parking lots. Or standing at the window waiting for one parent to come pick them up.

Of course I’m pretty sure that nobody heads into parenthood thinking that is how things are going to turn out. You play the cards you are dealt.  And in this case…I’m not sure the odds are in my favour.

But - out of all the chaos - I have renewed focus and perspective and clarity. Oh...and a new mantra:

One fucking day at a time.

(I really am going to stitch that on a pillow one day.)

And with all that said...now I also have my blog back.






3 comments:

  1. Wow. Stay strong. Better days are most certainly on their way. Keep writing. Best wishes.

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  2. One of the things I have always loved about your blog, is the honesty & the way you lighten even the most dire scenarios with humour...often self deprecating. It's kind of like reading the script for a Shonda Rimes show! You & your future shine bright. Welcome back writerunmum

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  3. I love your blog and I am so glad to see that you are back at it!!Thank you so much for being so honest, I know there are so many other women out there who need to read this and know they will be ok and they are not alone. And that it is ok to take "One Fucking Day at a time" XOXO

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