And that's because now I'm doing it all by myself.
Now before you feel too sorry for me. I am defintiely not all alone. I have an amzaing network of friends and family that would drop everything to help me if I asked them to. I am a very lucky person in that respect.
But none of those amazing people are a parent to my children. They love them...for sure...but it's not the same as sharing the day-to-day care and responsibility of the kids with a partner.
In years past I have often said that "single parents are my super heroes". The few times that my husband would go away and I had the girls on my own I would sing the praises of those that did this all the time. But I always knew back then that there was an end date to my life as a solo parent. That one day he would be home.
I have no reassurances like that anymore. There is no end date. There is no guarantee this is not my life for good now. And let me tell you that is a very sobering and scary thought.
If we need groceries - I have to go shopping.
If I don't feel like making lunches (and I never ever do!) there is no one else that is going to do it for me.
If one of my girls has a nightmare - I get woken up and have to cuddle and soothe them back to sleep.
This is a serious adjustment for me. Because even though - in reality - I used to do all that stuff anyway when I wasn't on my own...I knew that I had a back up if I needed it. There was always the option to pass the buck.
Add to this major change the fact that I am also adjusting to being a self employed and working at home and my schedule is all kinds of messed up!
In fact...I'm pretty sure I never had a proper schedule to begin with. Me thinks that might be the problem.
I am very lucky in that when I struck out on my own in business I secured 2 great clients right away and they keep me very very busy. But finding a balance between both jobs as well as trying to meet the needs of my kids and manage a household on my own has been nearly impossible. There was no way I could do everything...
Let's just say my vacuum and I barely know each other anymore.
And I have convinced myself that the bathtub is self-cleaning.
Don't judge me...I'm adjusting.