Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Empty Promises, Empty Threats

Throughout my separation I have been struggling to control - and understand - my emotions. So many of these feelings are completely foreign to me. My emotions are completely jumbled and I am left feeling out of sync...

The emotion I am struggling with most right now is hope. Hope can be a wonderful thing. A ray of sunshine through the clouds. A light at the end of a bleak tunnel.

It can also be a complete son of a bitch when it lets you down.  When that sense of hopefulness gets crushed by bitter reality.  And empty promises turn out to be just that.

Given all my emotional letdowns during my separation hope is now a rare emotion. I have my guard up...and I am getting pretty cozy behind my fortress wall.  Just me and my bitterness.

It's actually quite a depressing place actually.  I really must pick up a lamp and a throw rug or something.

Anyway...suffice it to say...that this week I allowed myself to hope...just a little.  I let myself believe that change was coming and that it was good for once.

And once again I was made to feel a fool.

Albert Einstein once said that the very defintion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Well now I know I'm insane. Awesome...

It was with this flagging sense of hope and disappointment that I realized I need to figure out how to spend Canada Day with my girls. I wasn't into facing huge crowds to watch the local parade. I didn't have the energy to host a bunch of people at my house. Honestly...I was kind of wishing it would rain so I wouldn't have to do anything.

There was no rain in the forecast of course...I was getting off the hook that easily.  And so I decided on a somewhat quiet morning/afternoon at home with my girls and some family and then off to a backyard pool party BBQ.  I was hoping it would be the right mix of quiet and loud. Mellow and...well...not so mellow.

In case you were wondering this is where the empty threats part comes in.  Because as a parent - especially now doing it solo - I am very guilty of making empty threats.

"I'm going to count to 3 and if you don't do {random act} by that time we are going to {insert empty threat here}."

"Don't make me come over there or we will {insert empty threat here}."

"If I have to tell you that one more time we are going to {insert empty threat here}."

And so on and so forth. It's bad parenting. It's lazy parenting. I know it. All my friends know it. And worst of all my kids know it.

Every once in a while you have to follow through and it sucks. Because it usually means giving up something I want as well.  Which was exactly the case tonight. After a great afternoon at the bbq I was back at my best friends house relaxing and letting the kids play.

Play turned to arguing. Arguing turned to tears. Tears turned to hysteria. And finally...I had to follow through on my threat to leave. And we did.

All the kids were shocked. I didn't want to leave. My friends didn't want to me to leave. I hadn't even had a freakin' cup of tea yet!  But we left. I loaded my sobbing girls into the car, handed them tissues and started the long drive home.

It was the right thing to do.  And I'm glad I did it because I think it really had an impact on all the kids.

But now - instead of sitting on a deck in the fading sunlight with my friends - I tucked two tear stained faces into bed and am sitting at my computer alone with my thoughts and my emotions.

Sometimes doing the right thing sucks.  Sigh...tomorrow is another day.

1 comment:

  1. Good For you for following through!!! It really is tough to do as a parent.. especially if you are having a good time. I am sorry to hear that things have been tough but today you had a win.. although it didm;t feel like it at the time. Sending you a HIGH 5 for sticking to you guns today!