And trust me...it's not like there hasn't been anything to write about. In fact, its more likely that I had so much to write about I just didn't know where to start.
There have been the usual parenting ups and downs. Lots of lovely moments with my girls and quite a few that had me pulling my hair out.
The biggest change since my last post is that I have made the conscious decision to stop second guessing everything and allow myself to just "go with the the flow."
Now...I'm not really a "go with the flow" kind of girl. I'm a planner. I like order in my life. And a nice colour coded spreadsheet for everything.
But throughout my marital struggles of the last year I have realized that - while in some areas my need for order and structure was helpful - in many others it wasn't. I was very black or white in the way I viewed my life. There just wasn't any room for gray.
People have told me that this sometimes makes me come across unfeeling or aloof. Even rude. Close friends joked that I had a "cold black heart" because I didn't cry during The Notebook and said it was a "sappy, predictable bunch of schmaltz..." (I stand by that assessment by the way...)
But the truth is that my troubles over the past year have made me realize that this need for things to be black or white was a way of protecting myself. By forcing my emotions to fit in this box or the other I was really just avoiding dealing with them and giving myself permission to move forward with the (false) belief that I had dealt with something.
As I work through the issues in my marriage - I can see where this led me wrong. I can see situations where I should have pushed for a better explanation and didn't. Where I let something slide when I knew I wasn't really happy with it but had somehow justified it. I can see very clearly where I should have trusted my instincts...and didn't.
Of course...I was so freakin' young when I got married that I didn't even realize that what I was doing might have repercussions. For the record I wouldn't recommend getting married at 22.
Live a little together first. Experience life with that person. Love them with all of your heart and mind and soul...but also make sure you talk honestly about your dreams...and your fears. Figure out who YOU are an individual before you commit to a lifetime as partners.
Anywho...that said...I decided about a month ago that it was about time I trusted my instincts a a little more. It was a decision borne out of me surviving the most emotionally trying day of this separation. A day where I alternated between screaming obsenities and crying uncontrollably. A day that really made me realized I could no longer view my life as black or white because I was very clearly living in a word of grey.
And since making the decision to just go with my gut...I feel like the weight of the world has lifted from my shoulders. Because instead of spending time and energy debating the pros and cons of EVERY situation I just do what I think is right and deal with the consequesces if it's not.
Because I'm not always going to be right. I'm won't always have the answers. I'm not always going to be able to hold in the tears or hold back the anger. I'm learning how to be me. A new me. In some ways kinder and softer and in others stronger and bolder.
My hope is that trusting my instincts will help me find a balance in my life. And maybe - just maybe - help me fall back in love.